I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
