I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize