Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize