Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
