he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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