WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize