U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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