seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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