why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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