the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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