Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I could make wine with my vomit
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
