Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
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