Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
