So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
God, I missed his penis.
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