If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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