How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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