Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
