I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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