Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
