My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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