So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
