new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize