What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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