i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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