I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
