she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
