I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
