I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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