you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
