I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
