Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Randomize
