I'm jealous of your bromance
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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