you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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