first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
