Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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