I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
