Please, let me fuck your mom
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
