i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
