he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
