I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
