This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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