I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
