my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
