This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
