dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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