A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
