I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
