That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
