her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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