you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
