i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
