I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
