Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
