But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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