Your mouth is God's brothel.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
