Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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