I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
