And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
