I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
