Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
