we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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