I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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