I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
