just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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