I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
