I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
