I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
