i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
